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Soulkeeper(2001)

Review by T-Dawg

Rating out of 5 possible lobsters :
 

 “Evil is making a comeback!”

 As I walked through the video store with my discriminating eye I spotted a movie box that immediately jumped out at me with its cheesy 3D box art. As I opened the movie case my eyes became wide and filled with terror as I saw I had rented the Director’s cut of “Soulkeeper”.

 I had already resided to the fact that it was probably going to be an hour and forty minutes I would never get back but to my surprise it was the “Soulkeeper” of my attention. This horror movie had it all brilliantly scripted and timed one liner’s, cheesy special effects, and nudity for good measure.

 The movie opens with a flashback to 1964 remember it was such a simpler time back then you could summon an evil spirit with an Ouija board, some friends, and a bottle of Peppermint Schnapps. There is some sort of ritual in progress with what looks to be the surviving members of the Jihad to resurrect an evil spirit. Long story short – guy strapped to a table, circle of people around him, chanting, rock of Lazarus placed around neck, inclement weather begins, bolt of lightening hits body, peoples eyes bled and hence our bad guy is born.

 I also noticed that throughout the movie at the bottom of the screen it kept flashing “For screening purposes only” this must have been added with CGI during post production so you could tell the difference between the directors cut and the studio version (Yeah Right!).

 We are then flashed to the present and introduced to the heroes of the movie, 2 thieves named Terrence and Corey. They are hamming it up as Abraham Lincoln (nothing says method acting like this performance) at a civil war reenactment where they are trying to heist something. They end up getting whatever it was they were trying to salvage (whatever was left of their acting portfolio) and that’s when the movie begins to get it right it as it sends up Charlie’s Angels to an effective laugh or two.

 The guys end up drowning their sorrows at the local watering hole after being fired by their former boss. They hook up with 2 bar sluts who tell the guys to keep an open mind and the scene stealer of the movie Corey replies – “nothing is going up my ass tonight I am in no mood.” They end up meeting some guy who fills in the necessary plot pot holes and gives them $10,000 dollars for a job. He wants them to get the rock of Lazarus which brings back the dead. Corey then perfectly delivers – “What is wrong with bringing back some dead people? Have you seen the top 40 lately?” This is truly the Klondike gold rush of comedy. He fires out gems like that for the entire movie.

 Corey and Terrence make a stop at a gothic whore house where the women there seem to get more pleasure from eating fruit than they do servicing their clients. The orgasmic moans as they bit into grapes, apples, and pears left me asking who is there grocer. I have heard of passion fruit before but this was pushing it. Luckily they were nude so it was nothing more than a passing thought.

 We are introduced to some other cameo characters along the way, the mysterious figure in the black trench coat and hat (is he good or bad?), the big guy from the Friday movies (Tom “Tiny” Lister Junior), and 80’s pop sensation Debbie Gibson.

 The guys also take the time to see a psychic who is able to use her body to summon spirits. I don’t want to spoil the entire scene, I will say this it is hilarious (little Warlock tribute and even the Exorcist).

 Soulkeeper is a KEEPER and deserving of 4 lobsters. It works not only as a cheesy horror movie but also as a brilliant comedy. Put the 2 together and you get Soulkeeper and the ending stays true to the film right up until the last frame. Corey’s quotable one liners are worth the rental fee alone!

 I think Cory’s line in the movie best sums up why anyone would rent this movie – “Life is like buying a porno movie pal, you are not sure what you are getting but you hope for the best.”

Henry's Comments

 "Funny how you can relate everything in life to buying a porno"