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Eight Legged Freaks(2002) - By T-Dawg

Rating out of 5 possible lobsters :
 

The stage was set yet again at the Drive-In for another outing of B-movie horror mayhem. I could not think of a better venue for Eight Legged Freaks which was being compared to the classic camp horror movies of the 50’s and 60’s. The movie was originally entitled “Arac Attack” but then changed due the tangled web woven by the United States involvement in the Middle East (Iraq most notably). So you can imagine the round table meeting involving the producers, the studio exec’s, and the MPAA that were concerned about offending today’s politically correct audience and what more damning social shockwave would be sent to the world if the movie had been released under that very title. The irony is that both titles (“Eight Legged Freaks” and “Arac Attack”) are uttered by characters during the movie, so go figure. My only experience with any sort of Eight Legged Freaks was at a carnival when I was youngster and saw 4 midgets huddled together.

 As for the movie it is a fairly simplistic story of a barrel of toxic waste being spilled and the spawning of a giant garden variety of Spiders that all have unique characteristics. You have your trap door spiders, jumping spiders, and so on that exist just to give us variations on special FX sequences. For the most part the sequences with the spiders are very cool including a chase sequence between the jumping spiders and motor cross racers. If the X-Games had these kinds of events maybe people would actually tune them in. One other notable moment in the film is when the family cat gets into the crawl space in the walls and has a shocking discovery of what lies inside. My only criticism of the spiders is the bizarre noises the spiders make through the course of the movie. I have stepped on many spiders and have never heard them squeal like a cross between a pig and a new born infant.

 As for the secondary stars of the movie it includes David Arquette playing his usual goofy idiot role, Kari Wuhrer looking hot as the town sheriff, a miss used Scarlett Johansson as her daughter, a damn kid who has it all figured out, the obnoxious and over the top comic relief of Doug E. Doug (you guessed it kids the same guy from “Cool Runnings”) and of course the corrupt town Mayor. The movie has laughs scattered throughout and some good in jokes but it does have a lot of humor that falls flat. It does its best to pay homage to the classics of the past but it is also used as an excuse for lazy film making. My biggest gripe is the lack of a body count in this film and when you think a character is dead they turn up in the end for that feel good ending. The movie has a very anticlimactic ending and it is not as good as the much more entertaining “Arachnophobia”.

 For all its flaws and taking it for what it is I would give it a marginal 3 lobster rating. But if you are looking for blood, gore, and some good ole fashion gratuitous violence this will leave you unsatisfied. If you go in with low expectations and looking for a campy laugh this is the ticket for you.

Henry's Comments

 "Where was John Goodman?"