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Creepy Crawlers(2000) - By T-Dawg

Rating out of 5 possible lobsters :
 

As usual my philosophy of determining what horror movie I was going to rent was based upon judging the film by the box art. Blinded by the stunning eye candy I overlooked the first red flag which was the title – “Creepy Crawlers.” The best way to sum up this bug infested story (Pun for the kids) is that it is like watching horse fly’s doing an insect rendition of River Dance on a freshly pinched loaf of horse shit. You would be better off visiting your Grandmothers green house for some scares before renting this bag of lime. There were segments of the movie that had me spraying lethal amounts of Raid and other commercial and industrial bug killers into my eyes.

 The cast is made up of one of the guys from Melrose Place and C-List character actor John Savage. You have your usual juicy clichéd roles of the town drunk, a doctor who likes the sauce, and your standard 2 Dimensional female lead. If that’s not scary enough it takes place in the USA’s answer to Transylvania – Maine! As for the insects they are not creepy but let me tell you they do a lot of crawling. Ant farms have a more frightening concept then this insipid, god awful episode of the Outer Limits. You can plainly tell when they are CGI and when there is a bug wrangler on the other side of the camera to make sure that Joe Cockroach isn’t getting more camera time then the guy from Melrose Place. The worst thing about this movie was that it is shrouded in the fact that I would have never rented it if I had known it was a TV movie! It was aptly named “They Nest” – note to TV studios that’s the kind of thing I want to hear when I am diagnosed with crabs not when I want a catchy title for a horror movie.

 As an audience you know you are in tough when the animal kingdom has taken on more fatalities than humanity. As the running time for the movie it sluggishly trudged along I realized there wasn’t a scare to be had, not one gross out sequence, nor a line of intelligent dialogue.

 Leave the horrific events of Maine in the capable hands of Stephen King! As low as the bar has been set for a made for TV movie this is inexcusable. I just hoped it aired on the WB or UPN so no one saw it. This movie bugged the shit out of me! If you rent this movie go to your nearest army surplus store and buy a Vietnam endorsed canister of Agent Orange and spray it on your property! Much like the popular mosquito repellent this movie is just “Off!” ½ a lobster for a movie that would make a maggot gag!

Henry's Comments

 "What the fuck are you looking at?  Fuck off, I didn’t see it so go fuck yourself!  I don’t need to explain myself to you Fucks!"